When your partner is emotionally distant, having routine deep conversations can be difficult. You may find yourself wanting to talk about feelings, but your partner avoids it. Problem-solving through situations that can result in conflict becomes that much harder.
Over time, you may feel disconnected from your partner. Issues may arise that lead to frustration and potential resentment for your partner’s actions.
Healthy communication is important in any relationship. Thankfully, it’s possible to get back on track.
Ask Yourself What You Need
Preparing for conversations with your partner is equally as important as the conversations themselves. If your partner is emotionally distant, your needs will probably go unmet.
You must assess any stories you may have told yourself about why your partner isn’t meeting your needs. Do some self-reflection and ask yourself what your basic needs are. What is it that you need from your partner? How do you want or need that to be fulfilled?
Pick an Appropriate Time
If you’re going to have important conversations or ones you want your partner to hear fully, it’s important to choose a good time. An emotionally distant partner may need time to prepare for the conversation. You also want it to be a time that is distraction-free and allows time for matters to be discussed.
Tell your partner that you would like to have a serious conversation with them and ask when a good time would be. Choose a time that is conducive to both of you sitting down and talking.
Use “I” Statements During Discussions
Using I statements can help you avoid placing blame or appearing to come off as you are. The I statements will shift focus to you and how they make you feel rather than solely pointing a finger.
You’re still pointing out something they are doing, but your feelings become the center of attention, not their actions. The I statements also appear less threatening and less like you’re attacking the other person.
When your partner is emotionally distant from the start, they may tend to shut down easily, so you want to keep the statements as minimally threatening as possible.
To start the conversation, begin with how you feel.
Express Your Why
Once you’ve shared how you’re feeling, follow up with why you feel the way you do. Your partner may be unaware of your feelings or oblivious to why you feel the way you do. If you do not have frequent conversations or often share deep, emotional feelings, don’t assume they know what’s on your mind.
When you’re having a conversation at the right time and after using those I statements, give examples of why you feel the way you do. Has it been a while since you’ve had an intimate night or gone on a date night? Do you spend less time together exploring interests or doing new activities? Are you feeling like you’re not on the same team any longer?
Clarify Your Needs
When you start a conversation with your partner, be ready to express your needs. Let them know what you’re looking for in this relationship. Don’t be afraid to be honest and clarify your needs until you’ve reached a mutual understanding.
Working on this together will hopefully bring you together but also come off as less threatening. If your partner isn’t feeling threatened, they will be less likely to be defensive. Honest and calm conversation can help you reach your goal.
Actively Listen to Their Needs
By having a deeper conversation, you’re opening the door for an exchange of feelings and asking your partner to be more aware of their behavior.
After you’ve expressed your feelings and clarified your needs, be prepared to be an active listener for them. Maybe they’ve also been holding back some feelings, or this approach has sparked something in them. Give them the same grace and understanding you’re asking for in return.
Are you struggling to find healthy communication with your partner? Check out our couples therapy page for more information. Or, contact us to schedule a consultation today.
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